A Quantum Suicide
TV Host: Science! It bestows immortality on those who advance it to elevate all of mankind. Newton! Einstein! Princes among men! But the price for such a legacy is steep indeed… in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “A Quantum Suicide”. If our lives are already written, it would take a courageous man to change the script. Having called a press conference, Doctor Barclay Colvin is about to demonstrate that very courage.
Dr. Colvin: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I’m Doctor Barclay Colvin, and I’m glad so many of you could join me here at the Moorcock Institute. Tonight, I’m going to give a practical demonstration of the many-worlds interpretation. As you can see, this is a loaded 9mm pistol. It shall be a part of a thought experiment—and now a real experiment!—known as a quantum suicide.
Journalist A: Did he say suicide?
Journalist B: Is that a real gun? He’s kidding, right?
Dr. Colvin: Please, please! Stay calm. There is no risk. Observe what occurs when I place the weapon against my own forehead. Now, you might think this round is merely a dud. Not so! Observe the flower pot. And yet, I myself cannot be harmed with this gun. With each pull of the trigger, two new realities branch off; one in which the weapon didn’t fire, and one where it did. With my machine here, I have ensured that this reality is always the former. I have bestowed upon myself quantum immortality: under no circumstances can this gun kill me!
Journalist A: So, wait, wait, wait—what you’re saying is that every time you pull the trigger, in another reality, you… die?
Dr. Colvin: Yes, yes, of course. But that’s completely trivial; there’s an infinite number of things that could happen at any moment, and they always happen somewhere. The point is, this one thing did not. Happen. Here.
Journalist A: You’re insane, Colvin!
Dr. Colvin: Insane? Insane?!
Journalist B: Hey, was this thing supposed to be plugged in? I stumbled on it!
Dr. Colvin: You fools! Gaze upon quantum immortality!
TV Host: Poor, poor Doctor Colvin! Felled by his own hubris? Or the ignorance of the masses? Perhaps he should have left the crate unopened, the decaying atom unobserved! Curiosity often kills the cat… in Night Springs.
The Man In the Mirror
TV Host: Crime and punishment! The cancer and cure of civilization. But some crimes are impossible to punish… especially in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “The Man in the Mirror”.
Police station staff: He’s inside, agent. He’s a weird one.
Police Officer: So. You’re confessing to killing that guy, huh? Why?
Man: Had it coming.
Police Officer: Yeah, but why would you do that? I mean, you’re a nice guy. Normal. Took your kid to his soccer game. So how come at the game you pick a guy and—quoting from the arresting officer’s report here—”assault the victim’s head area repeatedly with the weapon of choice being a pair of bare fists”. Wow, that sentence really flows, huh? Maybe you’re not the literary type. Okay, so you mess him up. But why? Who was that guy? We couldn’t ID him. Why would a guy like you do him like that?
Man: I didn’t like his face?
Police Officer: Well, you must’ve hated it, ‘cause you really went to town there. I mean, there’s no way to tell what he looked like. No ID on him, either.
Man: That must be difficult.
Police Officer: But then we ran the fingerprints. Got a match. Your prints. Identical.
Man: Huh. How about that?
Police Officer: Your son said you were wearing a white shirt when you took him to the game, but the white shirt is on the dead guy.
Man: It’s plenty red now.
Police Officer: You won’t get away with this.
Man: Do you really think that’s in any way relevant to me? I had plenty of time to talk to my boy before the cops arrived, you know. He won’t stop screaming, am I right? You think he’s ever gonna be okay? I left my mark, believe me.
Police Officer: You—you bastard!
Man: What? You’re going to shoot me? What’s the point? I’m going to prison. You got me.
Police Officer: I… I don’t understand any of this.
Man: And you never will. Don’t worry, maybe you’ll see me again, agent. Maybe in the mirror.
A Family Occasion
TV Host: We take the facts of our existence for granted, unaware that they are merely a thin veneer of desperate self-delusion covering a vast cosmos of madness and horror. All too often, the stars are right… in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “A Family Occasion”. Journalist Alvyn Derleth’s trip to study the local customs of an insular community in Night Springs has been less than successful… until tonight.
Derleth: Well, I’m glad you changed your minds about this. Ancient customs, local mythology… My editor loved this kind of stuff.
Woman: Well, Mr. Delerth, we don’t want to feel like we’re on exhibition. But you have demonstrated the seriousness of your intent.
Derleth: Oh, I am serious! Really, just do your thing. I’ll stay out of your way and observe.
Woman: Actually, I thought you could assist us. I’m afraid we are a man short. It would provide you with an… intimate perspective.
Derleth: Could I really?
Man: Of course, Mister Derleth.
Derleth: Well… I guess that’s the least I… What would I have to do?
Woman: Oh… here, let me show you with a kiss.
Derleth: I… Uh, I—mmmm! Ghakk! What—what did you—guhhk!
Girl: Oh, Mr. Delerth. You have well pleased Nik’si-Pir’kah, the Dweller in Flesh. Your body shall host his thousand young, and all shall be glory.
Derleth: Haaghk! No! Ghahhk!
Woman: Shh, darling. Be calm. Shh.
TV Host: Alvyn Derleth learned a harsh lesson. If you go looking for mythology, it may come looking for you. And such quests always bear fruit… in Night Springs.
The Doomed Samaritan
TV Host: Most of us have felt its shadow on us, a shiver down your back, a glimpse from the corner of the eye. You can’t find it on purpose, but take a wrong turn, board the wrong bus, wonder where you are when you wake up and you will find yourself in the small town of… Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “The Doomed Samaritan”. Sometimes, even the simplest things prove impossible. Consider. You get in a car and leave a life behind. Easy? Not tonight.
Linda: Thanks for the ride, Mark. I’m so glad to be leaving this place. You have no idea.
Mark: What, Night Springs? Come on, Linda, relax. It’s not that bad. Hey, what’s that up ahead?
Linda: Oh God. There’s someone in the road. I think there’s been an accident. Are you all right?
Mark: Oh no, Linda! Oh no! It was me on the road! I… Wait! Tell him to watch out for the truck. Watch out for the truck!
Linda: My… my God! Mark!?
Mark: Oh… Oh, please. God, no! Linda! Linda!
Linda: Thanks for the ride, Mark. I’m so glad to be leaving this place. You have no idea.
Mark: What, Night Springs? Come on, Linda, relax. It’s not that bad. Hey, what’s that up ahead?
Linda: Oh God. There’s someone in the road. I think there’s been an accident. Are you all right?
Mark: Oh no, Linda! Oh no! It was me on the road! I… Wait! Tell him to watch out for the truck. Watch out for the truck!
Linda: My… my God! Mark!?
TV Host: And there you have it. A vicious cycle, brutally punctuated by the blast of an air horn and screaming metal. Many roads are dangerous, but none more so than the one that leads away from… Night Springs.
What’s In a Name
TV Host: Magic, parlor tricks, smoke and mirror. But for some, magic is more than that. It’s a way of working the secret machinery of reality itself. And more than one member of that eldritch brotherhood can be found in… Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “What’s In a Name”. We find an old man standing on an old rusting derelict bridge, leaning his bony frame against the cold steel. And though he looks idle, he is hard at work. His young apprentice attends to him, as good apprentices do.
Old Man: Yes, yes. Coming along nicely, don’t you think, boy?
Apprentice: Let’s make this.
Police Officer: Sir, we’ve been getting some complaints. Are you defacing the bridge?
Old Man: Oh, no. I wouldn’t do that.
Police Officer: Sir, I can see the screwdriver in your hand and the scratches on the steel beams. You’ve been spotted doing this all over town.
Old Man: Yes, I have been very busy, but I’m no vandal, officer.
Police Officer: Exactly, what are you up to, sir?
Apprentice: He’s writing his name on the town.
Old Man: The youngster is correct. I’m writing my name. My whole name. The entire and complete description of my soul on the town. I’m almost done.
Police Officer: Yeah? Well all I see is an old man tagging public property.
Old Man: Oh, I should bow down to the wisdom of your years? Words have power, young man. Names and titles especially.
Police Officer: Huh huh. And what’s your name supposed to be?
Old Man: Tell him, boy. Tell him while I finish the carving.
Apprentice: Officier, it’s… it’s…
Old Man: Say my name, boy. Say it.
Apprentice: It’s… Night Springs, officer.
Police Officer: But isn’t that… That’s the name of the town, isn’t it?
Apprentice: Yes… It is from now on.
Police Officer: Wait. Where’d he go? Where is he?
Apprentice: Oh, officer. You know where he is. And what he is. Don’t you? I think you should get in your car and drive away. And remember which town you’re serving. Your will be done, Magus.
TV Host: Ah yes, there are too many little towns to count. All of them with some little magic of their own. But some towns have more personality than others. And none more so than… Night Springs.
The Dream of Dreams
TV Host: Sleep! We all spend a third of our dreams in its soft embrace, somewhere between fantasy and oblivion. But dreams have a way of forcing themselves into waking life, and vice versa… in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “The Dream of Dreams”. We join Mr. Jones as he explores the endless dreamscape, only to be brought to a sudden stop by a decidedly mundane situation: a long line of people.
Man: Hey, Jones, right? Listen, we’re gonna have to wait until his highness over there is good and ready.
Jones: Oh, wow, who’s that?
Man: You don’t know him? What are you, new? He’s the guy dreaming us… Well, not just us. He dreams everything. All of this.
Jones: But… Wait, no, I’m the one who’s dreaming. I’m asleep. Isn’t… isn’t this my dream?
Man: Oh, yeah. Sure. Get real, pal, you’re just another dream. I’m a dream, you’re a dream, the weirdo in the diving suit is a dream. And the girl made of smiles and sunshine is definitely a dream.
Jones: But I’m pretty sure I’m dreaming this.
Man: Well, maybe you’re a really confused dream. What am I, a shrink? All I know is I’m going with the smart guys, and they say that’s the guy doing the dreaming, right here.
Jones: I don’t know what that means.
Man: It means we keep him happy. No sudden falls. We make sure he has his clothes on when he goes out in public. No chases where the monster is nipping at his heels and he runs like crazy, but his legs don’t seem to get him anywhere. None of that. ‘Cause if he wakes up in a cold sweat? Yeah. Precisely. So we wait ‘til he wants to move on. Keep things nice and calm.
Jones: Hey. Something… something’s happening here.
Man: Yeah? What that?
Jones: What? Can’t you hear that?
Man: Oh, God help us, it’s an alarm clock! Oh, it’s you, isn’t it? Please, man, I’ve got a wife and kids! Please, don’t wake—
Taken in His Prime
TV Host: Freedom! A fusion of vigilance, conscience and uncompromising clarity of vision, a need so fundamental it permeates our very being. And yet a man may be brought to his knees in a single heartbeat… in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “Taken in His Prime”. For young Manny, the night hasn’t been kind. He’s a marked man, selected for a lifetime of servitude after answering an ad in the newspaper. But first, a little field surgery is required.
Man A: Well, well. Look what I found.
Manny: Aahh! Please, no!
Man A: Yeah, I think you’re just about ready for it.
Man B: Best if you don’t resist us, kid. We gotta beat it out of you.
Manny: What? I don’t understand! What… what did I do? I just wanted to get a job in the service industry!
Man A: Oh, you’re gonna serve, all right!
Manny: No! Aah! Gah! Please—aahh!
Man A: There it is! It’s coming out now! Right between the self-esteem and the childhood traumas!
Manny: What are you doing to me?!
Man B: Quit squirming! There, I got it! Believe me, kid, this free will thing is more trouble than it’s worth!
Manny: What… what was that?
Man A: Ohh, nothing for you to worry about, Manny.
Manny: I… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Man B: We’ll tell you all about that. Don’t you worry.
TV Host: Another vacant worker ant, birthed in fury and violence for the pleasure and convenience of ruthless and malicious men. Stranger things can happen… in Night Springs.
An Absence of Creativity
TV Host: Are we men dreaming of being butterflies, or butterflies that dream of being men? Such philosophical concerns are, by necessity, abstract—and yet some of us can find concrete proof of the nature of our existence… in Night Springs. Tonight’s episode: “An Absence of Creativity”.
Lydia: Hello, Martha. What did you want to show me?
Martha: Oh, Lydia! Thank God you’re here. Please, it’s in the basement.
Lydia: Ohh, Martha! Oh, that’s amazing.
Marta: Isn’t it just? I found it here this morning.
Lydia: It’s like it isn’t there, but… oh, I can’t look straight at it!
Man: Yes, ah, I’m sorry about that.
Martha: Oh! Who—how did you get here?
Man: Well, I’m trying to work.
Martha: Did you put this thing here?
Man: In a way. To be more precise, I put everything here but that.
Lydia: Really? But what is it?
Man: Oh… I guess the temptation is to call it a hole, but it’s really an… absence. A profound lack of reality.
Lydia: In Martha’s basement?!
Man: Yes. I was doing so well, too. I came up with two old ladies, and put something really weird in the basement. It was a great start. But I’m completely blocked now. I can’t imagine what I was up to.
Martha: Well, surely it’s just an ordinary basement!
Man: Is it? Why did you call your friend here, then?
Martha: Well… I don’t know…
Man: Oh well…
Lydia: Couldn’t you just ignore it?
Man: Oh, no. I couldn’t do that. It would probably turn into a plot hole. Might be one already. Could sink the whole enterprise.
Lydia: Oh my.
Man: Listen, ladies, not to be rude, but I’m really not at all sure where I’m going with this, and you’re just not helping. You should just go back upstairs for a cup of coffee while I try to figure out what I’m up to.
Martha: Well… if you think that’s best.
Man: Maybe… maybe I should just stop here. Or is that too moronic?
TV Host: Is that too moronic, indeed! Who can tell? It’s a fine line between the stupid and the sublime… in Night Springs.