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Missing Momma
Topher: Hey, Meg. What’s wrong?
Meg: My mom’s dead.
Topher: I’m so sorry, Meg. What happened?
Meg: I don’t know! They blacked it out.
Topher: It’s like the Director says: “Confidential” and “Children” both start with “C”.
Meg: Then the Director’s a poophead! A dirty, rotten fart person.
Topher: Dad says that my mom went missing in actions. She walked into the City and didn’t come back. I don’t know what missing in actions is, but I sure wish someone would find her.
Meg: I’ll help you look, Topher. We’ll find your momma together.
Astral Plane
Topher: Hey Meg! What are you drawing? I’m drawing a dog!
Meg: I’m drawing the Pyramid.
Topher: The what?
Meg: The Pyramid.
Topher: What’s a peer-a-men?
Meg: The Black Pyramid. It’s in the Astral Plane.
Topher: Airplane?
Meg: Astral Plane! It’s big, white, and empty. Or is it? It’s a weird crazy alien dimension. The white goes on forever. You can get lost in all that white… and never find your way back home.
Topher: I miss my home.
Altered Items
Topher: TV! Let’s watch “Donkeys in Space”!
Meg: It’s not safe.
Topher: But Star Captain Hee Haw! Can I poke it with a stick?
Meg: Okay. Bureau rule number 74: always be suspicious of things that weren’t there before. Looks safe to me!
Topher: “Donkeys in Spaaaaace”!
Meg: Wait! It’s not even plugged in—
Topher: Captain Hee Haw, why?
You and Your Special Powers
Mr. Bones: I can see you’re upset, Meg. Why don’t you tell uncle Mr. Bones what’s wrong.
Meg: I did bad on my clairvoyance test.
Mr. Bones: You can’t ace every test, Meg. You see, everyone has different brains. Some brains can talk to each other. We call this ESP.
Meg: E…S…P?
Mr. Bones: No interruptions! Some brains can lift objects, like a baseball. Talk about a “fly ball”, eh, Meg?
Meg: I…
Mr. Bones: No interruptions! So who cares if you fail your clairvoyance test? Maybe your brain can throw baseballs, or talk to dead people, or make friends blind! Once we know what your brains can do, we’ll know what job to give you. And if your brains are just right, you’ll get to sit in the BIG chair.
Meg: What if I don’t want the big chair?
Mr. Bones: What if I don’t want the big chair. Everyone wants the big chair, Meg! That’s why we’re all here! Use those brains to listen for once or the only chair you’ll get in is the one with straps!
Keeping Secrets
Mr. Bones: Since little Topher is taking a trip with his father into the world outside our wonderful Bureau, I think it’s a good time to talk about secrets. Who can tell me what a secret is?
Topher: It’s something you hide from everyone so they don’t get scared.
Mr. Bones: Partially correct, Topher. A secret is something you don’t tell anyone outside the Bureau. Because people outside the Bureau…
Meg & Topher: Aren’t ready for the truth of reality.
Mr. Bones: Very good. When you tell someone a secret, you’re hurting their brains very badly. Now! Let’s review what exactly is or isn’t a secret. First, we have a rainbow. Secret or not secret?
Meg & Topher: Not secret.
Mr. Bones: Correct. And the true version of rainbows?
Meg & Topher: Secret.
Mr. Bones: Correct. Cats?
Meg & Topher: Not secret.
Mr. Bones: Correct. And the Alpine Chimera?
Topher: Not secret.
Meg: Secret.
Mr. Bones: Ah ah, Topher. Too many slip ups, and your father will have to go on vacation without you. You don’t want to end up like Meg, do you?
Topher: What? What happened to Meg?
Meg: I’m not allowed to go outside anymore.
Mr. Bones: Correct.
When You’re Caught in a House Shift
Topher: No, no, no, no, no, NO, NO!
Mr. Bones: Fixed! Building shifts occur at random and without warning, but with the Bureau’s cutting-edge technology, we can stabilize the Oldest House. Safe employees… are happy employees! Certain rituals allow agents to navigate the Oldest House as well. But accidents do happen… Trapping agents inside the walls. I heard you got stuck in your room for three days, Topher. Too bad you didn’t have your book with you! Or any food! And remember, kids: when you feel the floor deviate, it’s already much too late.