Just for Kicks
Wake: Oh, hell, this isn’t gonna be good.
Mr. Scratch: Is this on? How can you tell? I’m sorry, I’m not very good with gadgets. That’s more like it! I’ll be right with you. I just gotta do this one thing. I like it quiet. I bet you’re wondering why this is happening. Why am I doing all this? Why am I so hell-bent on ruining your life? You’re cramping my style. You’ve got money, fame, everything you could want, but you don’t know what to do with it. I do. I’m getting all the things you never had the balls to go for. Having more fun, too! Do you know the real difference between us? I’m not afraid to be the center of attention. This poor slob’s just collateral damage, really. I mean, I beat some information out of him earlier, but this part? This is just for kicks. Mm. So quiet.
A Lot We Share
Mr. Scratch: Hey, buddy! I figured I’d take a moment to talk to you. There’s a party next door. I’m feeling pretty good right now. A little beer, a little fun, you know? It’s nice. Listen, this whole thing between us – it’s a little weird for me, too, you know? I mean, we don’t just look the same, there’s a lot we share. I mean, up here, I know you, right? So, I was thinking, maybe we could… These guys are getting out of control. Look, I feel like we’re both victims of circumstance here, and maybe we could make some kind of an effort to– Never mind.
The Happy Song
Poets of the Fall: ’Cause really I’m a psycho.
You know I am a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho…
You know I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho,
Really… I’m a psycho.
(I told ya’… I told ya’)
Really I’m a psycho,
You know I am a psycho (why why why why),
I told you I’m a psycho,
Really I’m a psycho,
You know I am a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho,
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho
You know I am a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho,
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho, yeah.
A violent schizophrenia, you know I’m gonna’ get ya’,
Violent schizophrenia, you know I’m gonna’ get ya’
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why I told you I’m a psycho,
(I told ya’, I told ya’)
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why you know I am a psycho, psycho, psycho
(I told ya’)
(Didn’t I tell you?)
You know I am a psycho,
Yeah I told you I’m a psycho,
(Why why why why)
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho
You know I am a psycho,
(Oh I’m a psycho)
I told you I’m a psycho,
(I told you I’m a psycho)
Yeah really I’m a psycho,
(‘Cause really I’m a psycho)
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, yeah
Violent schizophrenia, you know I’m gonna’ get ya’
Violent schizophrenia, you know I’m gonna’ get ya’, get ya’, get ya’, get ya’, get ya’,
You know I am a psycho,
Yeah I told you I’m a psycho,
(Why why why why)
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
(‘Cause I told ya’)
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho,
You know I am a psycho,
(You knew I am a psycho)
I told you I’m a psycho,
(I told you I’m a psycho)
Yeah really I’m a psycho,
(‘Cause really I’m a psycho)
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho, psycho,
You know I am a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho,
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho,
You know I am a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho,
‘Cause really I’m a psycho,
I told you I’m a psycho, psycho, psycho.
His Biggest Fan
Mr. Scratch: Okay, so this chick just came up to me and said she’s my biggest fan. I know, they all say that, right? And she’s giving me the eye. So I make a couple of moves, we have a couple of drinks. And then things start happening, but I say I have to go to the bathroom first. Uh oh, right? She’s got no idea! Watch this, this is gonna be priceless.
Woman: Mmm. That’s nice.
Mr. Scratch: I thought you’d like that. Are you tense? You feel a little tense.
Woman: Maybe a little. I had a crappy day.
Mr. Scratch: Yeah?
Woman: Don’t worry, it’s improving real fast.
Mr. Scratch: Yeah.
Woman: Hey, don’t stop, it was just getting good.
Mr. Scratch: Watch this! Yeah! Did you see that! Oh, man, did you see her! BOOM! Oh!
Deadly Advices
Mr. Scratch: I know what you’re thinking. Evil twin. Supernatural powers. But most of the time, I just like to keep things basic. I want you to understand that. Like this. Need to get your hands dirty? No batteries, no moving parts, just physics. That’s technology you can depend on. It’s a classic. Speaking of classics! You need to be careful with this one, though. If the victim suddenly twists, you might end up cutting yourself. It’s not really a workhorse, but I’m a sucker for the style! Now this is more like it. You’ve got slip-resistant grip — believe me, you really want that traction once you’re wrist deep in somebody! The blade’s stiff enough so it won’t open by accident in your pocket, but it’s still really easy to open with just one hand. Now, that’s a big thing for me. I know what you’re thinking: it’s too big, too heavy. But sometimes you just need the extra oomph! If you’re talking intimidation, this is gonna do the job. Also great for dismemberings and whatnot. You know, the messy jobs. Ooh! I can’t tell you how many things I’ve MacGyvered with this stuff. Okay, now, guns… Not a big fan. I mean, how’re you supposed to really connect with somebody with a bullet? I want you to understand that. I take pride in what I do. We can’t both be worthless hacks, can we?
Alice
Mr. Scratch: I want to talk about Alice. Just look at her. She’s really beautiful, isn’t she, your wife? Well, our wife, really. Just my wife, soon. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna treat her like the others. She’s special. If I wanted her dead, she would be. I’ve been around for a while, now. So talented. You haven’t seen her new work, of course. It takes my breath away. Really, she’s that good. Did you know that I’ve got a wedding ring, too? We’re that similar. She’s seen me a couple of times, you know. I’ve let her catch glimpses. She thinks she’s imagining things, of course. She thinks you’re dead. You might as well be. I mean, even if you manage to keep surviving, you’ll be in my trap forever. So, I’ll go to her. It’ll be an amazing moment — “Oh my God, you’re alive!” I’ll be the good loving husband for as long as I can stand it. She’ll love it. And then, one day, somehow, it’ll happen. Maybe I’ll slip up and she spots something. Or maybe she just starts running her mouth. And then… I’ll do it. It’s gonna be sweet. Ahh… My darling wife.
Barry
Mr. Scratch: So, I’ve been thinking about Barry. I don’t know what to do about him yet. I mean, I’m not gonna keep him around, that’s for sure. “Al!” “Al!” Ugh. Little parasite. Your best friend — really? That’s the best you can do? Aw, I actually kind of like the guy. He’s a plucky little butterball. He plays the clown, that’s a hard road to take. But I don’t need him sticking his fat face in my business. Did you know he’s been hanging out with the sheriff from that shitty little town? They keep in touch. Barry’s about the only guy who insists that you’re not dead. How about that? I might keep him alive for a while… Just to see him go to pieces when I fire his ass! Yeah, yeah… Yeah.
Mirror
Mr. Scratch: This is what you look like. Does that bother you? It bet it does. I’m not just wearing your face, you know. It goes a lot deeper than that. There’s a lot of you in me. All the best parts. At first, I was just an idea. But they kept telling all those stories about you. You already had that rep, and then you disappeared mysteriously… And then… the stories about bad, crazy Alan Wake came true. And here I am! That’s the best part, isn’t it, when that happens? You can always count on Cauldron Lake. I’m just as real as you are. And I’m the improved version. No fears. No doubt. No weaknesses. No self-deception here. I don’t let anything drag me down. I know you like I know myself. I know it bothers you that I’m like this, that I use your name and crawl my way into your life. But I only do it because… I’m better at being you than you ever were!
Party Pooper
Mr. Scratch: I’ve been around for a while now, you know. While you’ve been… indisposed. Stuck in the darkness. I’ve been busy. I operate in the shadows. Not always literally, you understand. I’m a little more resilient than those I’ve Taken. But I do my best work in the dark. And there’s so much darkness out there. It goes deep, and the things that live in it are vast. Big bastards! They don’t mind getting a little bit of elbow room. All that chaos and madness, it doesn’t really do that much down there. It’s like pouring a glass of water into the ocean, right? But up here… Yeah, you can really make an impact. All they need is someone to bring them all the way through. But first I had to take care of you, you party pooper. You’re stuck in an eternal cycle, now. The sun’s never coming up for you. Everything else — doing my thing, getting a bit of quality time with Alice… that’s a little something for me. And I deserve it.