A Famous Deerfest Guest
Maine: The Deerfest guests have already started to arrive. Just ran into one on the ferry… a famous artist, no less. We’ll see if we can rope him into an interview later on. Now, let’s go to the phones. Caller, you’re on KBF-FM.
Rose: Hi, Pat, it’s Rose!
Maine: Why, hello, Rose. What’s on your mind?
Rose: I know who that famous artist was. It was Alan Wake, wasn’t it? He’s my favorite writer.
Maine: Well, Rose, I—
Rose: I just saw him at the diner! Oh, I am so excited he’s here!
Maine: I’m sure he’s glad to be here too. Well, folks, I guess the secret’s out. This is Pat Maine on KBF-FM, and now, some music.
Wake: Great, so much for keeping a low profile.
Have You Seen This Dog?
Maine: Well, I was just outside for a breath of fresh air, and what a night! I know most of you are probably in your beds by now, but if you’re still up and around, take a moment! Step outside for a spell and breathe in deep. The weather is absolutely still, the sky is crystal clear. It’s like the forest is quietly breathing along with you. As you listeners know, I’m a night owl, and it’s on nights like this I wish I wasn’t cooped up in the studio. Makes an old man like me wish I could just roam wild. Heh. But here I am, and who’d keep you company all night long if I weren’t? Oh, and looks like I’m not the only one staying up late. Caller, you’re on the air.
Horton: Hey, Pat, it’s Maurice Horton.
Maine: Hello, Maurice. What’re you up to?
Horton: Well, I was just taking Toby on his walkies.
Maine: Oh, isn’t it beautiful out there?
Horton: Sure. But Pat, the reason I called is that Toby heard something rustlin’ in the undergrowth and took off after it, and I couldn’t find him.
Maine: Probably a rabbit.
Horton: Sure, Toby loves rabbits.
Maine: Well, sure.
Horton: Anyway, I figured that, you know, if anyone runs into Toby, they could grab him. My number’s on his collar.
Maine: And Toby’s a friendly dog?
Horton: Oh, Toby loves people. Usually he comes back, but we were pretty far from home and it sounds like he went pretty wild there. Great dog, but he’s just too dumb for his own good.
Maine: Ha ha! Well, Maurice, it’s out there now. Hope Toby comes home soon.
Horton: Yeah, thanks, Pat.
Maine: You have a good night now.
Deerfest Floats Are Very Exciting
Maine: Well, folks, it’s been another long night for me to sign off for a while. God knows I need my beauty sleep. Heh. Just one more item before I go: it’s been a busy night for the Sheriff’s Department. We’ve had a few broken windows, even a report of shots fired on Main Street. Deputies Mulligan and Thornton had to deal with two intoxicated young men who were celebrating the completion of their Deerfest float. Now, folks, we get this every year. I know it’s exciting that the big day is almost here, but let’s save it for the party—and leave the gunplay for the shooting competition, huh? There’s no point in getting all worked up yet.
Doc Nelson’s Deerfest Plans
Maine: Welcome back to the show, folks. As promised, our very own Doctor Nelson has just parked his rear end in the studio. Doc, what’s your Deerfest plan like?
Doc: My plan? You make it sound a lot more organized than I ever seem to manage! Ha ha ha!
Maine: Ha ha!
Doc: No plan, really, just take in the atmosphere. I’m getting a little too rickety to do much more than that, you know.
Maine: Oh, tell me about it. No sack race for us older gentlemen, huh?
Doc: Ha ha! Yes, exactly, Pat. But I’m going to check out the parade, of course, and I’ll be one of the pie contest judges, too.
Maine: Well, that takes a different kind of constitution.
Doc: Ha ha! Oh, yeah, it’s my kind of exercise.
Maine: Now, Doc, seriously, you’re in pretty good shape, though. You’re the outdoors type. I know for a fact you’re an avid fisherman.
Doc: That’s right. Matter of fact, just caught a heck of a largemouth bass early this morning.
Maine: But you’re not taking part in the fishing contest?
Doc: No, no. Not this year. See, Pat, I’m just not that competitive anymore. Now I just like to take my time and enjoy the peace of it. It’s no fun if I need to worry about what I’m catching, you know?
Maine: Considering your track record, the participants are probably pretty happy you feel that way!
Doc: Ha ha ha ha! Well, Pat, that’s kind of you to say.
Snyder’s Feeling the Pressure
Maine: I just stepped outside to catch a breath of fresh air, and let me tell you, the weather’s getting heavy! Nights like this make me especially glad I’m here talking to you and not home in bed. Once the weather takes a turn like this, I can’t sleep at all; it’s all… tangled bedsheets and dark thoughts, punctuated by the occasional plunge into nightmare. Is it just me? Well, perhaps it is, but I hope I can make the night a little bit easier to get through… Caller, you’re on KBF-FM.
Snyder: Hey, Pat, it’s Walt Snyder.
Maine: What’s on your mind, Walt?
Snyder: Well, I ain’t the way you are, but, well, uh, I can’t sleep either, you know? I’ve been just staring out of the window here, trying to make sense of it all, but… I ain’t been drinking, either, you know, I just…
Maine: Well, you sound like a man with a problem, Walt.
Snyder: Yeah. Yeah, uh… I had a, uh, you know, an argument with Danny, you know Danny—and then I got in trouble with the law, you know, and I’m… I’m just… well…
Maine: I heard something like that, Walt.
Snyder: Yeah. Well, you know, he’s — you know, Danny’s my best friend and they let me out on bail today… and now I’m just alone here at the window, you know, waiting. Man, there’s something in the air tonight, man!
Maine: Mm. I was just outside looking up at the sky above our broadcast tower thinking the same thing. What’re you waiting for, Walt?
Snyder: I… I don’t know. You know, something’s gonna happen. You know? I gotta, I gotta… I… I think I better go.
Maine: Well, Walt, maybe—
Snyder: No. Thanks, Pat.
Maine: Haaahhh. Well, good luck to you, Walt, hang in there. Let’s take a little break, folks, this weather’s really something else, huh?
Peabody Heard Gunfire
Maine: And here’s another call. You’re on KBF-FM with Pat Maine.
Peabody: It’s Milt Peabody, Pat.
Maine: What’s on your mind, Milt?
Peabody: Well, I live near the trailer park, Pat, and there’s a big ruckus going on over there.
Maine: Well, that’s just up the road from me, too. What’s going on, do you know?
Peabody: I don’t know, but there’s a bunch of police cars there, lots of sirens, a helicopter buzzing around, and I think I heard some gunshots.
Maine: Gunshots?
Peabody: Yes, sir, like from a pistol. So can you find out what’s going on? ‘Cause it’s just next door and they’re poppin’ off guns there.
Maine: They’re still shooting?
Peabody: No, it was maybe ten, fifteen minutes ago. It sounds serious, Pat! I’m telling you, it don’t sound like no party.
Maine: Well, I’m—I’m certainly gonna give the station a call, Milt.
Peabody: Okay…
Maine: You’ll hear it here as soon as I hear from them.
Peabody: Okay, thanks.
Maine’s Anger
Maine: This is Pat Maine, and you’re listening to KBF-FM. Folks, I want to apologize for kind of abandoning you to that looping music track last night, but I was… detained. You see, I encountered a big shot G-man with an itchy trigger finger who could use a lesson in manners and a boot in the ass—not necessarily in that order, either. Now, folks, I know I’m not being very informative here, and I apologize for that. I really should just keep quiet, but… I’m just so peeved right now, because some people just shouldn’t be carrying badges. I’m just glad that our Sheriff Breaker was there to straighten things out. And if someone I met last night is listening, let me just say I’m sorry if my mouth got you in trouble. I’m pretty sure you’re not the bad guy here. Godspeed, son; I hope you know what you’re doing. Now, on a lighter note… I’ll be talking to Doctor Nelson all morning. But first—a little music.
A Conversation About Love
Maine: Welcome back to KBF-FM; hope you enjoyed that tune. Now, Doc, you were talking about life and finding that special someone, that soul mate…
Doc: Well, you were talking about that. I was saying I don’t buy it!
Maine: Well, see, to me, that’s strange, because I always pegged you as a hopeless romantic.
Doc: Heh! You got me there, Pat. But I think love’s where you look for it. And you need to do a lot of looking, sure. But the idea that there’s that one special person out there for you, and if you miss that chance, it’s gone forever and you’re forever incomplete… I mean, isn’t that depressing? Or, heck, childish, even? There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Maine: And apparently, a fisherman has a fishing analogy for everything. But what you’re saying, isn’t that a little harsh?
Doc: Well, no! What I am saying is that your potential for finding that connection isn’t limited to what’s essentially a chance encounter. How’s that harsh?
Maine: Yeah, well. I guess that’s a nice thought. But let me say something personal here…
Doc: Okay…?
Maine: Now, well, I… I don’t disagree with you, exactly, but I can’t really fit that together with what I feel, what I—what I felt for someone. Because—she was the one. She was. And she—I let her drift away from me. Maybe I didn’t put in the work, I don’t know, but… well, since then — and it was a long time ago, but… but since then, there hasn’t been anyone. Not like her. And I’m not saying I dwell on her, or haven’t moved on. I like my life. I’m not living in the past. But I do miss the way she… completed me.
Doc: You can’t argue with the heart, Pat.
Maine: I’m sorry, folks. I had kind of a scary experience last night, and let’s just say it’s shaken a few things loose.
A Missing Person Alert
Maine: Well! As I’m sure everyone’s noticed, that storm we all felt coming is finally here. The boys at the Weather Service reckon it’ll last until morning, at the very least. Pertaining to that, let me read that missing persons alert again: the Sheriff’s Department is still
Maine: looking for a Caucasian woman, 30 years old, slim and blonde with blue eyes. She may be lost in the woods, and it’s possible she’s been injured in a car accident. If you see her, please make sure you get her indoors and call the Sheriff. It’s bad weather to be caught out
Maine: in, so if you see someone in the area who maybe looks a little confused, give them a hand, all right? Ahem. This is Pat Maine on KBF-FM, hoping you’re all safe and warm tonight.
Mulligan and Thornton Bicker
Maine: As you regular listeners know, I tend to work through the night, but I’m not the only one. Deputies Mulligan and Thornton are taking a couple of moments off their busy schedule to join me here in the studio. Boys, how busy are you now? Deerfest is almost here, isn’t it? I—I bet that keeps you in business.
Mulligan: Pretty busy, yeah.
Thornton: Actually, Pat, we’ve been real busy with other stuff—
Mulligan: Uh, which concerns an ongoing investigation. We can’t talk about that, Thornton.
Thornton: I wasn’t gonna say anything. I was just saying we’ve got, you know, other irons to fry.
Maine: And how would you compare your workload to last year’s? Things have seemed relatively peaceful to me, but people do tend to get a little wild this time of year…
Mulligan: Oh, it’s wild, Pat. It’s pretty wild. There’s been all sorts of trouble this year. Vandalism, fighting, public disturbances… a lot of people gone missing, too.
Thornton: Yeah, yeah, it’s—it’s pretty much the, uh, usual stuff, Pat, just, you know, a lot more of it.
Maine: Now, is it just me, or does Deerfest get wilder every year? People seem to be more drunk, at least, or they start earlier, and younger…
Mulligan: Oh, it’s definitely not just you, Pat, but—
Thornton: Definitely, Pat!
Mulligan: …hey, I’m talkin’ here, Thornton—uh… oh, shoot, I lost my train of thought… Oh, uh, yeah! Yeah, it’s wilder, Pat, but actually, most of the trouble seems to be coming from grown men, people who oughta know better, you know? The kids are doing fine this year.
Maine: Well, that’s nice to hear, at least. Boys, I want to thank you for stopping by. I’ll let you get back to your patrol.
Mulligan: Sure thing, Pat.
Thornton: Yeah, sure thing, Pat.
Poets of the Fall
Maine: And here’s a new song from a band that—they always remind me of our local rock legends, the Old Gods. I couldn’t tell you why, I guess it’s just—you know, one of those things. Anyway, here’s Poets of the Fall and their latest single, “War”.
Poets of the Fall: Do you remember standing on a broken field
White crippled wings beating the sky
The harbingers of war with their nature revealed
And our chances flowing by
If I can let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field
When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me a reason to try
Turn the page I need to see something new
For now my innocence is torn
We cannot linger on this stunted view
Like rabid dogs of war
I will let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field
When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
And we fought to believe the impossible
When I thought that I fought this war alone
We were one with our destinies entwined
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me the reason why
With no-one wearing their real face
It’s a whiteout of emotion
And I’ve only got my brittle bones to break the fall
When the love in letters fade
It’s like moving in slow motion
And we’re already too late if we arrive at all
And then we’re caught up in the arms race
An involuntary addiction
And we’re shedding every value our mothers taught
So will you please show me your real face
Draw the line in the horizon
Cos I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought
When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
And we fought to believe the impossible
When I thought that I fought this war alone
We were one with our destinies entwined
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me the reason why…