Adventure Tours
Jaakko: Oh dear. I am a tourist and it appears that I am lost in the woods. If only I had a tour guide. Also, it’s bear season. Oh no, a bear. Help.
Ilmo: Did somebody call for a tour guide?
Jaakko: Oh wow, Koskela Brothers Adventure Tours. Unforgettable tour experiences at affordable prices.
Ilmo: That’s right! I’m Ilmo Koskela, voted best coffee roaster slash tour guide by Coffee World Magazine, and I’m here to give YOU the tour of a lifetime!
Jaakko: But Ilmo, I’ve heard the government has seized and restricted access to many local nature attractions.
Ilmo: That’s true, Jaakko, many local attractions have recently become fenced off by the government, and that’s why at Koskela Brothers Adventure Tours, we say fuck the government. We have bolt cutters.
Jaakko: Oh wow, you think of everything.
Ilmo: And we’ll take you anywhere! Hiking through the scenic Elderwood National Park. Fishing in the crystal clear waters of Bright Falls Dam. Bird watching at majestic Mirror Peak. The tour of a lifetime is just one phone call away! Book now to get a nine percent discount on this limited edition Oh Deer Diner coffee thermos!
Ahma Beer
Ilmo: Jaakko, we are going to a cool huy’s house to drink some brewskies. Are you coming?
Jaakko: No, Ilmo. I am very busy wearing a turtleneck and drinking wine. Like an asshole.
Ilmo: Oh dear. I know what Jaakko needs! Ahma Beer to the rescue! Bring out your inner wolverine with Ahma Beer!
Jaakko: Wow, this is the best party ever. Thanks Ahma Beer.
Ilmo: Ahma Beer is a traditional Finnish lager and we drink it the Finnish way! At the bar while actively avoiding small talk with strangers. Getting blackout drunk on a boat during Midsummer and trying not to drown. In the sauna, using your beer can to hide your ‘pippeli’ from wandering eyes. Partaking in the Finnish tradition of kalsarikännit. Drinking at home alone in your underwear with no intentions of going out.
Jaakko: It’s not sad if it’s intentional.
Ilmo: Ahma Beer! Your Finnish drinking adventure starts here!
Coffee World
Ilmo: Hello, and Welcome to Coffee World, voted Washington’s best coffee-themed amusement park.
Jaakko: All of our attractions are family-friendly and available to children of all ages. Just like our coffee.
Ilmo: So take a sip of our Oh Deer Diner organic coffee and let the adventure begin! Hold on for dear life on the Espresso Express! Soak in some local history at the Huotari Well, where two serial killers once hid the disemboweled bodies of their murder victims.
Jaakko: It’s not haunted.
Ilmo: Come join Mocha Moose and the goats at our A-MOOSE-ment park petting zoo! Just don’t share your coffee with the goats! Seriously, please stop feeding our goats coffee.
Jaakko: Seriously. It’s not a-moose-ing.
Ilmo: Taker in amazing views from the Slow Roaster ferris wheel!
Jaakko: I can almost see the Watery Lighthouse Trailer Park!
Ilmo: This is so much fun! And finish off at our BREW-TIFUL gift shop where seniors and children under ten receive a nine percent discount on keychains and propane tanks. Welcome to Coffee World. We guarantee you’ll JAVA great time.
Parade Floats
Ilmo: Hello, Jaakko.
Jaakko: Who is this incredibly attractive martial arts master?
Ilmo: It’s me, your brother, Ilmo.
Jaakko: I now recognize you. But Ilmo, why are you dressed like that?
Ilmo: Deerfest is almost here, which means we’re chopping the prices on all of our custom-designed Deerfest parade floats.
Jaakko: Floats created by the award winning team at Kalevala Knights Motorcycle Club? Winners of the last year’s trophy for “Best Deerfest Float Featuring An Animal That Is Not A Deer?”
Ilmo: That very team! And you’re gonna get a KICK out of our latest float designs. We’ve done it all! Deer floats, restaurant floats, floats shaped like things we can’t show on television. Our flats are the perfect way to impress your friends.
Jaakko: Propose to your partner.
Ilmo: Or throw shade at an office colleague.
Jaakko: And we don’t just do Deerfest. Our floats are the perfect gift for weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs on your… quinceanera.
Ilmo: Our floats will PUNCH up any special occasion. But why take our word for it? Let’s hear from one of our many happy customers.
Tapio: I was at Deerfest last year. The floats were pretty good. One of them was a swam.
Jaakko: And that was that. People like it.
Ilmo: And there you have it! Award winning floats now at reduced prices that will… knock you off your feet. Order yours today.
Bright Falls Blend
Ilmo: Hello, Jaakko. Looks like another perfect morning in paradise.
Jaakko: I agree, Ilmo. A perfect morning for me to drink this coffee I am holding. Oh shit. This coffee is shit.
Ilmo: Jaakko, did you just drink regular brand coffee?
Jaakko: I did. My perfect morning is ruined.
Ilmo: And all because of your shit coffee. if only we had better coffee. Hey…
Jaakko: What?
Ilmo: What’s that sound?
Jaakko: Ilmo, look, it’s Bright Falls Blend organic coffee from Oh Deer Diner.
Ilmo: Oh wow, I’ve heard that health benefits of this coffee include increased energy, improved eyesight, better lovemaking and a deeper connection to animals. With a thermos full of hot coffee close at hand, you are always prepared for what comes next. How does it taste, Jaakko?
Jaakko: I feel like a million bucks. Thanks, Oh Deer Diner Coffee!
Ilmo: Bright Falls Blend organic coffee is brewed with care right here in the Pacific Northwest from coffee beans that are sourced locally… in Puerto Rico. Try it today at Coffee World and the Oh Deer Diner. And don’t forget to try the Deerlicious Brunch Special, this month only for Deerfest!
“Return” Review
Ilmo: It’s time for Koskela Brothers Book Club. Hello. I’m Ilmo Koskela, and welcome to the Koskela Brothers Book Club. This week we will review the highly anticipated new novel by Alan Wake. Return. Return is printed on a firm, high-quality white offset uncoated paper stock, making every page a true delight to turn in your fingertips. Alan Wake’s brilliance is on full display with his choice of a hardcover book jacket made of a premium enamel stock with gloss lamination that is both tasteful and pleasant to the touch. Isn’t that right? Wake set a high standard with his previous novels, but I can say without hesitation that Return contains the best and most compelling book description on a back cover that I have ever read. This book blurb is truly riveting and will keep you on the edge of your seat from start to finish. It is accompanied by a tasteful photograph of Alan Wake’s home here in Bright Falls. The book weighs one pound and three ounces. Return is a true masterpiece. I give it a perfect score of five Ahma beers out of five. How about you? There you have it. Alan Wake has done it again. This was the Koskela Brothers Book Club. Cheers.