Tapio’s Weather Report
Pat: That concludes our debate on whether pets should be allowed at this year’s bake sale. For those of you just tuning in, you’re listening to the Pat Maine Radio Hour, brought to you by Davis Family Moose Jerky, and boy what an eventful day here in Bright Falls. By now we’ve all seen the FBI setting up shop in town- and I’m sure you’re all asking the same question I am… Did they bring all this darn rain with them? Deerfest is right around the corner, and we’re all crossing our fingers for sunshine, so I reached out to our top meteorologist for a weather update. She never responded, but I have her uncle Tapio on the line from Watery. Tapio, are you there?
Tapio: Yes.
Pat: Great, and Tapio, what kind of weather can we expect today?
Tapio: Rain.
Pat: That definitely seems to be on the menu. How about over the next week?
Tapio: Also rain.
Pat: Right. Care to elaborate? Any chance the sun will poke out in time for Deerfest?
Tapio: No.
Pat: Well, Deerfest is coming, rain or shine, and that parade lineup is looking dandy as ever.
Tapio: Yes, I like this parade because they have one float in the shape of a swan. Long neck and everything. Very large swan.
Pat: Ah so you’re a fan of swans?
Tapio: No.
Pat: Right. Well that’s our time. We’ll be right back after this next song by the rock n’ roll sensation National Nightmare.
Tapio: Thank you. Do I hang up now? How do I hang up? I am still here. Yes, I think I am on hold. I will try calling again.
Donna’s Jerky Review
Pat: Welcome back and boy do we have some breaking news- that’s sure to knock your socks off. Davis Family Beef Jerky will now be available at the Sunday market in three delicious flavors. That’s right, our favorite sponsor, Davis Family Beef Jerky, can now be enjoyed in smoked hickory, teriyaki, and hickory teriyaki. I handed out samples here at the Valhalla Nursing Home- and thought I’d catch up with one of our residents to get her thoughts. Donna, how are you?
Donna: I’ve got chronic back pain from my spinal stenosis.
Pat: Oh dear. Y’know, when I’m feeling stiff I find a light snack helps. So did you try that beef jerky?
Donna: No, lunch is at eleven and I wanted to save my appetite- because today was the fish soup with crackers. You’re allowed up to four crackers, but I only take one unless I have a glass of cranberry juice. They ran out of cranberry juice at breakfast, which is at seven. I didn’t take the oatmeal today because it makes me gassy before cribbage-
Pat: So you didn’t try the jerky. Got it. Well that’s too bad, Donna. Their new teriyaki flavor sure does hit the spot.
Donna: They had teriyaki salmon with rice on Friday’s dinner menu. Dinner’s at five, but we all know the salmon takes longer to prepare and then you’re late for bingo. And who needs all that spice?
Tapio: I agree. Teriyaki is a shit flavor.
Pat: Who… Is that Tapio? How are you on the line?
Tapio: I couldn’t end the call.
Pat: You’ve been on the phone this entire time?
Tapio: Yes. And I hate teriyaki.
Pat: Well, it’s delicious on jerky, so let’s give a big thank you to Wendy Davis for these samples.
Tapio: Wendy? No, that can’t be right. Wendy went missing in 2010. I heard she’s dead.
Pat: No, I’m referring to Wendy Davis, from our sponsor, Davis Family Beef Jerky.
Tapio: Wendy Davis. That’s the dead one. She’s dead.
Pat: Right. Well that’s our time. Remember to keep your coffee warm and your chin up because that sunshine is right around the corner. Pat Maine signing off.
Terry’s Cuckoo Clocks
Pat: You’re back with Pat Maine, and we’ve got a very special guest today on the program. It’s artisan cuckoo clock designer Terry Feldman. Terry, how are we today?
Terry: Hey there, Pat, doing just fine. I’m a super big fan of the show. What a treat to be on with ya today.
Pat: Oh the pleasure’s all mine, Terry. Now I hear you’re doing something special for Deerfest. Tell us about that.
Terry: Yeah, I’m crafting a selection of custom basswood cuckoo clocks, but the real special sauce is when it’s cuckoo time and you’re expecting a bird to pop out for a chirp… Out comes a big ol’ deer.
Pat: Well that’s just neat.
Terry: Yeah, it’s pretty neat.
Pat: Real neat. That’s gonna have the tourists tickled pink. And I hear you’re selling these at the Sunday market, so make sure to say hello- to Wendy Davis from our sponsor, Davis Family Beef Jerky, while you’re there, alright? Terry, you still there?
Terry: Yeah, still here. I’m just… Jeez, Pat, I’m sorry to tell ya this. I thought you heard. Wendy’s dead.
Pat: Oh boy. That’s a strange joke you’re playing there, Terry.
Terry: No, it’s… I’m sorry, Pat. Y’know all that FBI business. Wendy was one of those bodies they found.
Pat: Well that’s just not possible, Terry. Wendy stopped by this morning with three flavors of beef jerky. She brought the, the, the smoked hickory, and the teriyaki, and… What’s that other one?
Terry: I’m real sorry, Pat.
Pat: What’s that other one? She was just talking about this. Just hours ago. Smoked hickory, teriyaki and…
Tapio: Hickory teriyaki.
Pat: Thanks, Tapio. It’s just a bit of a strange joke, Terry. Did Jaakko and Ilmo put you up to this?
Terry: Pat…
Pat: Well, somebody’s having a laugh over this little prank I’m sure. Terry, thank you so much for your time. Can’t wait to see those Deerfest cuckoos at the market. Wendy will be there with her beef jerky as always, and we’ll be back after this.
Jim’s Mayoral Candidacy
Pat: And that wraps up my list of favorite park benches in Bright Falls. And now I just want to clear something up from our last broadcast. There was some talk, an off-color joke of sorts, about Wendy Davis of Davis Family Beef Jerky being dead, which of course is a bunch of hogwash. So, I’m gonna give our dear friend Wendy a call so we can put an end to these silly rumors and- oh! It looks like we already have her on the line. Wendy, hello.
Jim: Hi there, Pat.
Pat: And that’s not Wendy.
Jim: No, this is Jim Figamore. Remember we were gonna do the announcement today?
Pat: Oh, is that- Was that today? Listeners, we have Jim Figamore with us, the director of the Bright Falls Community Theater, and-
Jim: And I’m here to announce that the theater will be losing one of its most dignified thespians, as I, Jim Figamore, will be running for mayor. Hold for applause.
Pat: Well that’s quite an announcement, Jim. Just let me find my notes here. I had some questions written down for you.
Jim: The real question is what happened to this town. Bright Falls used to draw in thousands of tourists with its vibrant arts scene and impressive bird feeders. And what’s our reputation now? “Haunted Bright Falls”. “Spooky Bright Falls”. The world is laughing at us! And now all this business with the FBI? We need a mayor who can turn this town’s reputation around, and nobody knows more about the role of mayor than I do. I played one in the theatrical production of Fiorello, to glowing reviews by Coffee World Magazine. Mayor Setter is a joke, and you know what? I hear he kills cats. There, I said it.
Pat: Now, Jim, this is a family show. I found my notes here, so why don’t we pivot to some questions. First question. What exactly goes into that delicious beef jerky? Right, so it looks like these are my questions for Wendy Davis of Davis Family Beef Jerky.
Jim: The only jerk I care about is Mayor Setter. Our future’s at stake, pets are being murdered, and it’s time for a change. Jim Figamore for mayor. That concludes our program today.
Pat: Oh, I actually had more to-
Jim: Jim Figamore and Pat Maine signing off.
Gil’s Weird Joke
Pat: You can pick up those crochet dog sweaters at the Sunday Market. And while you’re there, go visit Wendy Davis and grab some of our sponsor’s famous beef jerky. Up next, we’ve got Deerfest- Oh, hold on now, we have a call coming in. Which button’s the… Hello?
Tapio: Hello. Still here.
Pat: Wrong line. Hold on. Hello, you’re on with Pat Maine.
Gil: Yeah. Gil Davis here.
Pat: What a pleasant surprise! We have Gil Davis on the line from our lovely sponsor, Davis Family Beef Jerky. Gil, any thoughts on those crochet dog sweaters?
Gil: You need to stop.
Pat: What’s that?
Gil: Just stop. Whatever this is you’re doing, stop.
Pat: I’m not sure I understand, Gil.
Gil: There’s no such thing as Davis Family Beef Jerky. I don’t sell beef jerky, I’ve never made beef jerky, and I don’t particularly like beef jerky. I’m getting crazy phone calls for jerky orders, day and night. You’ve got confused old ladies all over this goddamn town on the hunt for imaginary beef jerky, asking for insane flavors like hickory teriyaki, which clearly isn’t a thing.
Pat: If you don’t sell beef jerky, then somebody needs to tell your lovely wife, Wendy, because she’s out there at the market every Sunday selling it.
Gil: Wendy is dead, Pat!
Pat: No, that’s… that’s not right. I just saw Wendy at the market last weekend.
Gil: Wendy went missing in 13 years ago, Pat. They found her body. She’s dead. We’re trying to make peace with that, and you’re making it so much harder with all this goddamn beef jerky bullshit.
Pat: No. That’s just not true. She’s there. Every weekend I see her there. This joke’s gone far enough, now go get Wendy on the line so we can all have a laugh about this.
Gil: She’s fucking dead, Pat. Stop.
Pat: Gil? I think we’re out of time. Um. Dog sweaters. Sunday market. And… Yeah. Pat Maine signing off.
Technical Issues
Pat: Yes, I’m pressing the button but it’s not broadcasting. That green light is supposed to be red.
Norman: Which light?
Pat: This one here. Donna’s grandson wrote down instructions for me but I can’t for the life of me remember where I put them.
Norman: You sure you’re not on the air?
Pat: Yeah, green means off, red means on. Or was it- No, that’s right. I need a red light here.
Norman: Have you tried just mashing all these buttons?
Pat: Oh, raspberries, that’s not- Which button did you press?
Norman: This one right here. Nope, that wasn’t it.
Pat: I’m gonna call Donna’s grandson.
Tapio: Hello?
Pat: Tapio? Sorry. I misdialed.
Tapio: No, you didn’t. I was still on the line.
Pat: Can we get Tapio off the line? I need to call Donna’s grandson.
Tapio: Must be all this rain botching up your connection. If it keeps up that bunker out back could flood again. A girl drowned in that bunker last time it flooded.
Norman: No, that girl drowned in Cauldron Lake.
Tapio: Wrong. That was the Anderson girl. Different girl.
Pat: Can we please focus on making the green light red?
Norman: What about this button here with the sticky note that says “on off”.
Pat: Yes! That’s the one. Okay, let’s press that and see if it-
Terry’s Guest Call
Pat: Up next, we have, um, we had a guest lined up. I have it written down here somewhere. What’s this say. Jim Figamore. Figamore, Figamore, I know that name from somewhere, but- Oh, the line’s lighting up, so that could be him. Hello, you’re on with Pat Maine.
Terry: Hey, it’s Terry! I’m at the Elderwood Palace Lodge and there’s been a shootout! FBI everywhere! I think somebody’s dead! I was working the front desk when bullets just started flying! I had to hide under my desk!
Pat: Oh gosh, Terry. Clearly a bit of embellishment on your part, but it sounds like maybe Russ Hammond’s been hunting quail in the off season again.
Terry: Quail?! You’re not listening! They shot up the whole damn hotel! And that’s not all. I swear to sweet Jesus Murphy I saw Alan Wake walk in before it all happened!
Pat: Alan Wake. Now is that one of Mandy-May’s kids?
Terry: Alan fucking Wake, Pat! The writer! You’ve talked about him on the show! He disappeared years ago!
Pat: Disappeared, you say! Okay, this is all coming together now. See, people were calling in about Wendy Davis going missing, but it sounds like they have her confused with this Alan Walker fellow you’re talking about. Terry, you were there last Sunday at the market selling those cuckoo clocks when I came to visit, remember?
Terry: Pat, no-
Pat: And who was selling beef jerky in that stall next to yours? Wendy Davis. Davis Family Beef Jerky. Now how can she be selling me beef jerky on Sunday and be missing since 2010? It’s ridiculous.
Terry: Wendy’s fucking dead! I’m talking about Alan Wake! Jesus, Pat, this is serious! I’m trying to put the warning out! There’s something wild going on! I gotta go in case they come back!
Pat: Okay. That was Jim Figamore everybody, and he’ll be running for mayor this… Wait, no, that was… that was…
Pat: Anyway, that’s our show for today.
Deerfest Floats
Pat: And we’re back with the Pat Maine Radio Hour. Up next, it’s time to make some predictions on what parade floats we’ll be seeing at Deerfest. This year’s parade theme is “deer”, just like every year, so we’re not exactly reinventing the wheel here. But first, I need to address something. I know the last couple of shows took a strange turn, with people coming on talking nonsense about certain people passing away. Listen, I know everybody who steps foot in and out of this town, so I’d sure as heck know if Wendy Davis died, or went missing, and… Y’know, they’re saying I’m confused. I hear them in the halls murmuring about me. Well, Pat’s got a rusty ticker, but my head’s as clear as those skies are gonna be on the opening day of Deerfest. Somebody’s trying to twist the story around, and I don’t know quite why. But I’m here to tell you that everything’s gonna be okay. Wendy Davis is alive and well, and you can rest easy- knowing that Davis Family Beef Jerky will be available this Sunday just like it always is. Now, with that all settled, let’s talk about the, um… the… What was it we were talking about? Deer. Something deer. Hold on, let me think real quick. Right! So first I just wanted to mention that I know the last couple of shows took a strange turn, with people coming on talking nonsense about certain people passing away… Wait. Did we talk about this already? I think we… No, I definitely said this already. But there was… I had a great topic lined up with the… I’m so sorry, it’s just not coming to me. Perhaps we need to end it here for now. We’ll pick this up later. Deer… It had something to do with deer. I know I wrote it down. Why can’t I just… What was it. Maybe Norman took my notes. Gotta see Norman. Gotta see Norman.
Pat’s Late Start
Pat: Pat Maine here. Sorry for the late start on today’s program. I took a little hike to clear my head and, y’know, that fresh mountain air really does wonders, but I just… I couldn’t seem to find my way back. I know that trail like the back of my hand, but it’s somehow different now. Everything’s changed. I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one who remembers how it used to be. All I kept thinking was, I need to find my way back. Find my way back. My way… Anyway, we’re here now and I’m proud to announce that our show has a new sponsor, so the Pat Maine Radio Hour is now brought to you by… by um… Jeez, it was on the tip of my tongue. Maybe I wrote it down somewhere. All these notes just say “Wendy Davis” over and over. I know that name. Who is that? Well, for now maybe we’ll just say the sponsor’s Coffee Land and give them a plug here. Coffee Land? Is that right? Sorry, I’m feeling a bit out of sorts today. I took a little hike out around Mirror Peak to clear my head. That fresh mountain air usually does wonders, but something happened out there… What was it? Something happened. What was that? What were we talking about? Hm. Maybe we can come back to that later. Let’s get to our first guest on the show here. Who do we have on the line? My paper here says “Wendy Davis”. Wendy, you’re on with Pat Maine. Wendy, are you there? Hm. Must have a connection issue. We’ll try to get a hold of Wendy later on. Y’know what? I think I remember where I know that name from. Yes, it says right here, “Davis Family Beef Jerky”. That must be our new sponsor. Apologies to Wendy for the confusion. I went out for a hike earlier to clear my head in that fresh mountain air, and ever since I’ve been feeling like… Do you ever feel like everything’s spinning in a circle and you’re trying to just… keep your finger on it. Must be reacting to the humidity from all that rain. But usually when I get a headache like this it means sunshine is right around the corner, so we can all look forward to some good weather just in time for Deerfest. Up next we have a new song from a local musician. This is a song by… What’s it say here… Wendy Davis. We’ll be back after this. Get it together, Pat. Breathe. Just breathe. They need you out there. Look around, make a list of what’s real, just like he said. Filing cabinet. Microphone. Computer. Chair. Soundboard. Sticky note. Breathe, breathe, breathe. You’re okay. This is real and you’re okay. Lamp. Bed. Coffee mug. Microphone. No. No, I need some air. I need to get back. Need to get back. I need to get back.
Tapio: Hello? Anybody there? Okay, I will hang up now.